"We've been trying/ to mix it up..."

I realized yesterday when I followed the link to this blog, that I haven't updated it for almost 6 months. Normally, that's not something that I would be overly concerned about. The blog that I actually use has been update much more recently. But that blog is far more private, and is for my closest of friends. I have several reasons that I don't offer up my thoughts for public consumption that I may need to enumerate here:

1- I find it much easier to express myself when I don't feel like I have an unlimited audience. My actual, factual journal is kept online (with hard copies for posterity) and in order for me to feel like I can fully express myself, I need a controlled space to do that. My blog used to be public several years ago and that didn't work out well at all. Besides, everything I wrote was superficial and a huge waste of time.

2- Because most of my friends and I have to communicate in creative ways, my blog is a form of communication with those people as well as myself. If I want you to read my blog, there is the possibility that I will allow you to do so. I realize that this makes me sound rather elitist. Just understand that this blog is more superficial and RARELY updated while my actual blog is updated frequently. I discuss personal things and I don't want to share them with everyone on "the tubes". My family can't even read that blog, so don't feel bad.

Actually, I can be persuaded to let others read my actual blog. But it involves some asking and whatnot. But not everyone is approved, so just understand that now.

3- Finally, I just don't like Blogger. It's gives me a rash.

With that out of the way, I'm going to do an actual update.

I'm no longer sick. Looking over this blog it seems to have been an additional place that I chronicled my 14.5 week illness this past summer. That was primarily because I was living out of state and my family wanted a blog they could read. I continued to update it after I had to move back home for reasons that I don't know that I understand. (Some of the entries are copied and pasted from my actual blog/journal/whatever because I was too sick to be "creative" twice.)

I finally started to feel normal in September. The first couple of weeks back at work were tough, but now I'm completely and totally healed in every way. Yes, it was frustrating to have something easily cured become a chronic, undiagnosable problem. Yes it blows not having insurance. No, I'm not going back to Texas. Texas has messed with me for years and I am now rejecting it. First the whole drama with my ex-boyfriend and then H. Pylori.

So now I'm back at my regular job and working on moving my career forward. I've passed the first part of the NIC written test and I'm looking at taking the Interview/Performance portion soon. In a large and general way of looking at things, my life isn't awfully exciting. But then again, that's how most people are. If life was THAT exciting every day, then you aren't normal.

The things I'm currently dealing with on a day-to-day basis are the kinds of things I discuss privately in my blog. Not that they are things I'm ashamed of or want hidden. Again, it's something for me and the people I chose to share that with. However my most current obstacle is my dog. He's just turned 16 and so I'm dealing with numerous health issues with him: impending blindness, heart problems, and a declining mental state. Because we've been the best for friends for more than half of my life, this isn't something that's been easy to deal with. But time and some vet visits have made things easier for both of us.

Outside of that, I doubt this blog will get much in the way of updates. If you are dying to read my actual blog, you can contact me. If you don't have my contact info, then chances that I will allow you to read it are slim to none.

"There's no more need to pretend /Cause now I can begin again"

That round of antibiotics that was supposed to kill the H. Pylori didn't quite work. I still feel sick. My stomach is cramping again and I've had constant headaches for the past 2 days. My appetite is gone again. But instead of only taking fluids and not wanting solids, I don't want to drink or eat anything at all. I have the hardest time willing myself to drink anything consistently. The only thing I want to do is curl up in a ball with my hands over my eyes and not move. I called up P.A. Steve today. We'll see what he has to say tomorrow when he's back in the office and gets my message. Part of me is hoping for something called "quadruple therapy".

"An increasing number of infected individuals are found to harbour antibiotic-resistant bacteria. This results in initial treatment failure and requires additional rounds of antibiotic therapy or alternative strategies such as a quadruple therapy. Bismuth compounds are also effective in combination with the above drugs. For the treatment of clarithromycin-resistant strains of H. pylori the use of levofloxacin as part of the therapy has been suggested."

That's a lot of medical jargon, but what I do understand about it is that I sure as hell have the antibiotic resistant kind of bacteria in my stomach. I thought I was better on some level. I haven't felt great, but I didn't feel quite as bad as I did before I started the antibiotics. I just assumed my stomach was repairing itself. But with the stomach cramping coming back the way it has, I know it's not gone. The loss of appetite confirmed it.



It was a complete and total chore to get me to ingest anything today. My Mom finally played the dirty trick of having me eat saltines. They were so dry that I had to drink Gatorade just so I didn't completely die. At the end of the day,I really haven't eaten that much. I just finished my first, actual meal: a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. As much as I just don't want to eat, there comes a point where I know that I have to just to get by no matter how little appetite I have.

I'm hoping that the quadruple therapy will work, (if it's prescribed). I know that I don't want my gall bladder out. I hope that's not the solution. That's going to cost a shit-load because I don't have insurance. I'm exhausted because I'm sleep deprived. I'm exhausted because my body has been sick for so long. I'm exhausted because it's been so mentally taxing. I just hope that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't far off. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. 3 months is far too long.

P.S. .....

Still sick, but now I have a legitimate diagnosis.

I have a bacteria called H. Pylori. Essentially it's a nasty bug that literally eats your stomach. Seriously. Look it up on wikipedia.

Awesome.

I'm on several meds to kill the bug. It should be dead in a week. But then my stomach has, literally, 8 weeks of damage to repair. My recovery will be slow. But I will eventually get better.

"I believe whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you... stranger. "

First, I need to talk about Dr. Horrible and his blog of Joss Whedon.... or something. I don't really like Joss Whedon. Don't like any of the stuff he's done except for his guest direction on "The Office". That was funny and awesome. It even has one of my most favorite lines from the series.

"Poop. Poop is raining from the ceiling."

So Dr Horrible and his blog of no vampires or science fiction.... or bats. I'd been told to go to the site by a few friends that seriously love them some Joss Whedon. I'll be honest and say that every time I hear that name, I cringe a little inside. It's not that he's a bad guy, not like William Faulkner ... or Mexico, I just don't enjoy anything he's done. But I head over to the site anyway just to give it a look. It's Neil Patrick Harris. Singing for crying out loud. It can't suck as much as... well, Buffy. And it didn't. But then it didn't quite deliver. Yes, there were funny parts to it. I laughed. Out loud, even. It just kind of ends and trails off while Captain Douchbag whines to a therapist and Neil Patrick Harris becomes a simpering half-a-villain. We can't even have an anti-hero to get behind. You want the guy to win and kill Captain Douchebag. Or at least make him look like the ass that he is.

But oh no. Instead of having something to drive him to become totally, awesomely evil, he decides to be all emo instead. I realize the goal of this little internet piece is humor. I get that. It's funny. But we have archetypes for a reason. They are followed to have a logical path for the character to develop. Sometimes you can go outside that box and come up with something awesome. This time, Joss Whedon didn't.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

But one thing that really did completely succeed on every level was "The Dark Knight". The thing with Batman is that he's an ordinary man. He has no super powers, wasn't dropped in a vat of toxic waste, or sent from space. He's something to which we, as ordinary people can totally relate. If anything, Batman's "superpower" is his unwaivering sense of control. He has his set of rules and morals that he follows in the strictest sense. He does what he does because of his past. Not to have any sort of revenge or to relive it over and over, but that he has felt a pain that is so deep and horrible, that he wants to prevent others from feeling that same kind of pain and loss he did. Batman and Bruce Wayne are a vision of what we as humans have the ability to do; namely, overcome horrible things in our lives and rise above it. Be shaped by it to become something better and greater than what we currently are. This is what Christopher Nolan understands as a writer and a director. Without the psychological aspects of Batman, he's nothing more than a weird guy, who may not quite have a grip on who is is, prancing about in a bat suit like a ninny.

That psychological element saturates the entire Batman universe. The villains all have strong roots in psychology. They are more than a pack of crazy people. They reveal something about who we are as people. The dark side of sadism, obsessive compulsive behavior, delusions, and narcissism. Because the villains have a human element to them, their character development and motivation is clear.

This is what Christoper Nolan understands as a director and writer. It's something he's understood for years. (Watch "Memento" if you don't believe me.) It's this understanding that as people, the more substance something has, the more it resonates with us. Nolan wrote a script with very strong psychological elements that flesh-out and enhance his characters. They become more than silly "crazy people" who do silly things. They have motivation and a weight to them that makes them powerful. As a director, Nolan instilled this in his actors so that "The Dark Knight" becomes far greater than all previous comic book movies. The acting is second-to-none, and while it is far darker than any of the previous Batman films, that darker element provides far more substance to the characters, story, and themes of the universe. Unlike many other comic book films, "The Dark Knight" doesn't talk down to the audience. The film doesn't downplay the characters or what creates and drives them. Above all, the film isn't afraid to show us these characters in all of their glory as wonderful and as horrible as they are. By seeing them so clearly, we can see just how much Bruce Wayne struggles with what he has created. How it has become bigger than him. Above all, we see just how strong he is when he is unwilling to compromise his standards in order to achieve his goals. We can see that the complete and total chaos of The Joker renders Batman almost helpless in a way, because The Joker is everything that Batman isn't. He destroys innocence because there is no innocence. He creates chaos because there is no order.

While I cannot say for sure that Health Ledger will win the Oscar for this performance, I'll be unpleasantly surprised if he isn't at least nominated. The pre-release hype on just how good his portrayal is not hype. It honestly is the one of the best on-screen performances I've ever seen because he was able to fully embody that chaos and completely immerse himself in the character. Additionally, the masterful portrayal of The Joker is made even more bittersweet because this film is able to really show us the range of Health Ledger's acting ability, but it's posthumously.

In short:
Intelligence FTW.
Heath Ledger = Oscar nominated performance win.
"The Dark Knight" - Epic amounts of win. Completely destroys every other comic-based movie in it's wake.

I'm back in Utah. My flight left El Paso at 1:25. Crocky was going to drive me to the airport at 11:50 so I'd have plenty of time before I left. I woke up that morning to a rather cranky stomach. I had some applesauce, juice, and toast for breakfast. No long after eating I was in the bathroom puking my guts out. I've only puked once before this. I've been sick for an entire month and I'd only puked once. This now made it two and it physically kicked my ass. But I now felt that since I'd completely evacuated the contents of my stomach, my flights would be rather uneventful. Getting through security and everything was a breeze. No hassle this time. I got on the plane and the turbulence was something else. I was praying the whole time that my stomach would just relax and that I wouldn't puke. But by the end of the flight my stomach couldn't take it anymore. I quietly became well acquainted with the airsickness bag. The two latinas sitting next to me were really nice about the whole thing. They asked if I was okay, if I needed anything, and if I was going to be okay. They even asked if I needed water or anything. When I disposed of the bag after the flight, one of the attendants asked if I'd gotten sick. I told her I had and she apologized apologized for the turbulence. I told her that I've been sick for some time and that's why I'm flying home. I was feeling so sick and weak at this point, I was too exhausted to be embarrassed at all. Turbulence is the one thing that I'm afraid of when it comes to flying. But I was so sick that I almost didn't care about it. If anything, my fear might be eliminated after that flight.

I had a stop in Albuquerque to change planes. I was supposed to leave at 3:30 and arrive in Utah after 5pm. My plane was coming in from Houston and it sat on the runway for about 3 hours waiting for permission to take off. Apparently there were horrid thunderstorms in the area. So I had a few breadsticks and then a quick cat nap in the terminal. Then I had some strange chicken noodle soup, that was anything but chicken noodle, and half a sandwich. I figured that I needed food in my stomach. I was getting shaky and weak. If I was going to puke, there was nothing I could do about it. My flight finally left Albuquerque at 6:30pm. The flight to SLC was thankfully quiet and uneventful. I got in just after 8pm. Sadly, my bag didn't arrive in SLC with me. So I filed a missing luggage report with the airline and headed home with my Dad. The airline said that when they found it, they would call me and deliver it. The drive home was long. Not that 60 miles is that far. But I was so sick and physically exhausted, that all I wanted to do was rest.

I got home and had a little dinner. Then at 10pm, the airline called and told me they found my bag. I don't know where it went without me. It may have gone on to Seattle. It might have been stuck in Albuquerque longer than I was. I told them to deliver the bag first thing in the morning, rather than at around 2am. My bag didn't get delivered until 4:30pm. All of the meds I've been taking were in that bag. All my clothes were in that bag. The cords for my PS3, my phone charger, my cross stitch... I'm just glad to have my bag back.

I still feel pretty sick today. I seem to have developed a new aliment. My ribcage aches all the time. Everything inside it aches. However, when I belch it's hurts. A lot. Normally burping feels good for my stomach. But now it's rather painful. Add that to the constant stomach aches, headaches, dizziness, constant weakness, strange and unpredictable hunger, and general body aches and I'm just a total wreck. I'm trying to get a Dr. appointment as soon as I can. I've been sick for a month and this shows no sign of going away on it's own. I need someone to figure out what this is. I need to get better. Yes, it's nice to be home and see my family and my dog. But I want to get back to El Paso and make the summer mine. Especially since I no longer own a car. While I've been gone, my car went to hell rather quickly. It became unsafe to drive. Literally, this morning, the kidney foundation came and took my car away. I have to make enough money to get a car this summer. I have to get better and get back to make some money. I need to get back to work and back to El Paso. I'm also just completely and totally drained. I have no option except to get better. I just hope I can despite my lack of insurance.

By the way, apparently I don't have Norwalk Virus. Now we're being told it's a less terminal form of E Coli. But I need that confirmed for myself and some serious medication. Until I get a bunch of tests that verify what I have, I'm not really going to believe a supposed diagnosis.

Although I am rather excited to be back for a few reasons. The largest one being the ability to see my family and dog. But I'm excited to be back so I can do stupid things like, get my hair cut and colored. Pick up my Special Edition of MGS 4. I fully plan on playing that tonight after the requisite blog update.

I've gotten much sicker over the past few days. I thought I was starting to get better since I went back to work last week Saturday and Monday. But then I got worse on Tuesday and I've been really horrible since. I've been sick for three weeks, but it seems to have gotten worse over the past few days. My energy level has drastically decreased. I hardly have the energy to do anything. All I want to do is curl up on the couch all day. I have no appetite, but if I don't eat I feel much worse.

I'm starting to go crazy from being sick. I'm frustrated because I've heard twice that it's a virus and twice that it's a bacterial infection from all the various doctors we've seen. Then I've heard about a million other things that it could be from people that aren't medical professionals.

I just want to get better. I just want to stop feeling so crappy all the time. I just want some answers, but I don't know how to get them. It's becoming insurmountably discouraging and I don't know what to do anymore.

"Spit spot!"

Still feel like hot garbage. But I started on the meds this morning and they make me light-headed and dizzy anyway, so I figure I'll need a couple of days to adjust. So I'm home today. I've spent most of the day curled up on the couch feeling sick and gross. But I decided to play internets for awhile and found one of my most favorite cartoons ever.





Now I feel like curling back up on the couch to watch Kill Bill.

Also, I watched this while I ate lunch. Hopefully I'll feel good enough to make a real post soon. A real post with pictures and everything. I'm just sorry it's so late in coming. I didn't anticipate feeling like this for 3 weeks. :(

Hewitt finally managed to get a hold of a friend of his that is a physician's assistant. He told her all of the symptoms that we've been having for almost 2 weeks now. Her diagnosis, (without seeing or resting us), is that what we have is a virus. The problem we've been having is two-fold: First, because this is a new climate and altitude for us, our bodies are still adjusting. They aren't adjusting well because we're sick. That's why we can't get over the virus. Second, we're most likely very dehydrated. She wants us to constantly be drinking water/gatorade/whatever. Like 10 bottles a day. Being dehydrated is making us weak and lethargic and we can't do anything when we feel that way. She says to stick to foods that don't upset our stomachs because that's what causes the cramping. No more Jack in the Crack for me. Damn... So Hewitt and I have been pounding down the water and gatorade all day in an attempt to rehydrate. We're also being very careful about what we eat. Nothing to irritate our stomaches. That will probably be the new set of rules for the whole office. Hewitt and I are the sickest ones, but there are several others who are sick as well. The office is really only running about about half staff right now because so many of us are sick and can't kick this.

While I've heard tons of advice from numerous sources and heard a lot from several doctors, this advice actually feels right. The heat is difficult on us. I do feel better when I'm constantly drinking lots of fluids. I just need to keep it up. I need to drink more liquids that will help me feel better. I was one of the only people taking water with me to work every day and now I'm apparently dehydrated. Well hopefully this will work. I'm very drained from being so sick, both on a mental and physical level. I just want it to be over. I want to feel better. I want to work so much...

Other than being sick, my life is intensely boring right now. My upstairs neighbors are loud and keep me up later than I want to be. They've kept me up till 4am twice this week. I've left them a note to please keep it down. If they don't, I'll complain to the main apartment office. My day is spent resting, trying to appease my stomach cramps, and doing anything I can to keep myself from dying of boredom. Sometimes I play video games. I've been playing on Scott's Nintendo Wii for the past few days. All I do is make Miis. I've made around 45 because I'm a loser like that. I've gotten all of them from this website. Almost makes me want to buy my own Wii....

Hopefully I can post again soon. But when I have to borrow computers, it's difficult.

Next week, I will have internets. I cannot wait!