"There's no more need to pretend /Cause now I can begin again"

That round of antibiotics that was supposed to kill the H. Pylori didn't quite work. I still feel sick. My stomach is cramping again and I've had constant headaches for the past 2 days. My appetite is gone again. But instead of only taking fluids and not wanting solids, I don't want to drink or eat anything at all. I have the hardest time willing myself to drink anything consistently. The only thing I want to do is curl up in a ball with my hands over my eyes and not move. I called up P.A. Steve today. We'll see what he has to say tomorrow when he's back in the office and gets my message. Part of me is hoping for something called "quadruple therapy".

"An increasing number of infected individuals are found to harbour antibiotic-resistant bacteria. This results in initial treatment failure and requires additional rounds of antibiotic therapy or alternative strategies such as a quadruple therapy. Bismuth compounds are also effective in combination with the above drugs. For the treatment of clarithromycin-resistant strains of H. pylori the use of levofloxacin as part of the therapy has been suggested."

That's a lot of medical jargon, but what I do understand about it is that I sure as hell have the antibiotic resistant kind of bacteria in my stomach. I thought I was better on some level. I haven't felt great, but I didn't feel quite as bad as I did before I started the antibiotics. I just assumed my stomach was repairing itself. But with the stomach cramping coming back the way it has, I know it's not gone. The loss of appetite confirmed it.



It was a complete and total chore to get me to ingest anything today. My Mom finally played the dirty trick of having me eat saltines. They were so dry that I had to drink Gatorade just so I didn't completely die. At the end of the day,I really haven't eaten that much. I just finished my first, actual meal: a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. As much as I just don't want to eat, there comes a point where I know that I have to just to get by no matter how little appetite I have.

I'm hoping that the quadruple therapy will work, (if it's prescribed). I know that I don't want my gall bladder out. I hope that's not the solution. That's going to cost a shit-load because I don't have insurance. I'm exhausted because I'm sleep deprived. I'm exhausted because my body has been sick for so long. I'm exhausted because it's been so mentally taxing. I just hope that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't far off. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. 3 months is far too long.

P.S. .....

Still sick, but now I have a legitimate diagnosis.

I have a bacteria called H. Pylori. Essentially it's a nasty bug that literally eats your stomach. Seriously. Look it up on wikipedia.

Awesome.

I'm on several meds to kill the bug. It should be dead in a week. But then my stomach has, literally, 8 weeks of damage to repair. My recovery will be slow. But I will eventually get better.

"I believe whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you... stranger. "

First, I need to talk about Dr. Horrible and his blog of Joss Whedon.... or something. I don't really like Joss Whedon. Don't like any of the stuff he's done except for his guest direction on "The Office". That was funny and awesome. It even has one of my most favorite lines from the series.

"Poop. Poop is raining from the ceiling."

So Dr Horrible and his blog of no vampires or science fiction.... or bats. I'd been told to go to the site by a few friends that seriously love them some Joss Whedon. I'll be honest and say that every time I hear that name, I cringe a little inside. It's not that he's a bad guy, not like William Faulkner ... or Mexico, I just don't enjoy anything he's done. But I head over to the site anyway just to give it a look. It's Neil Patrick Harris. Singing for crying out loud. It can't suck as much as... well, Buffy. And it didn't. But then it didn't quite deliver. Yes, there were funny parts to it. I laughed. Out loud, even. It just kind of ends and trails off while Captain Douchbag whines to a therapist and Neil Patrick Harris becomes a simpering half-a-villain. We can't even have an anti-hero to get behind. You want the guy to win and kill Captain Douchebag. Or at least make him look like the ass that he is.

But oh no. Instead of having something to drive him to become totally, awesomely evil, he decides to be all emo instead. I realize the goal of this little internet piece is humor. I get that. It's funny. But we have archetypes for a reason. They are followed to have a logical path for the character to develop. Sometimes you can go outside that box and come up with something awesome. This time, Joss Whedon didn't.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

But one thing that really did completely succeed on every level was "The Dark Knight". The thing with Batman is that he's an ordinary man. He has no super powers, wasn't dropped in a vat of toxic waste, or sent from space. He's something to which we, as ordinary people can totally relate. If anything, Batman's "superpower" is his unwaivering sense of control. He has his set of rules and morals that he follows in the strictest sense. He does what he does because of his past. Not to have any sort of revenge or to relive it over and over, but that he has felt a pain that is so deep and horrible, that he wants to prevent others from feeling that same kind of pain and loss he did. Batman and Bruce Wayne are a vision of what we as humans have the ability to do; namely, overcome horrible things in our lives and rise above it. Be shaped by it to become something better and greater than what we currently are. This is what Christopher Nolan understands as a writer and a director. Without the psychological aspects of Batman, he's nothing more than a weird guy, who may not quite have a grip on who is is, prancing about in a bat suit like a ninny.

That psychological element saturates the entire Batman universe. The villains all have strong roots in psychology. They are more than a pack of crazy people. They reveal something about who we are as people. The dark side of sadism, obsessive compulsive behavior, delusions, and narcissism. Because the villains have a human element to them, their character development and motivation is clear.

This is what Christoper Nolan understands as a director and writer. It's something he's understood for years. (Watch "Memento" if you don't believe me.) It's this understanding that as people, the more substance something has, the more it resonates with us. Nolan wrote a script with very strong psychological elements that flesh-out and enhance his characters. They become more than silly "crazy people" who do silly things. They have motivation and a weight to them that makes them powerful. As a director, Nolan instilled this in his actors so that "The Dark Knight" becomes far greater than all previous comic book movies. The acting is second-to-none, and while it is far darker than any of the previous Batman films, that darker element provides far more substance to the characters, story, and themes of the universe. Unlike many other comic book films, "The Dark Knight" doesn't talk down to the audience. The film doesn't downplay the characters or what creates and drives them. Above all, the film isn't afraid to show us these characters in all of their glory as wonderful and as horrible as they are. By seeing them so clearly, we can see just how much Bruce Wayne struggles with what he has created. How it has become bigger than him. Above all, we see just how strong he is when he is unwilling to compromise his standards in order to achieve his goals. We can see that the complete and total chaos of The Joker renders Batman almost helpless in a way, because The Joker is everything that Batman isn't. He destroys innocence because there is no innocence. He creates chaos because there is no order.

While I cannot say for sure that Health Ledger will win the Oscar for this performance, I'll be unpleasantly surprised if he isn't at least nominated. The pre-release hype on just how good his portrayal is not hype. It honestly is the one of the best on-screen performances I've ever seen because he was able to fully embody that chaos and completely immerse himself in the character. Additionally, the masterful portrayal of The Joker is made even more bittersweet because this film is able to really show us the range of Health Ledger's acting ability, but it's posthumously.

In short:
Intelligence FTW.
Heath Ledger = Oscar nominated performance win.
"The Dark Knight" - Epic amounts of win. Completely destroys every other comic-based movie in it's wake.

I'm back in Utah. My flight left El Paso at 1:25. Crocky was going to drive me to the airport at 11:50 so I'd have plenty of time before I left. I woke up that morning to a rather cranky stomach. I had some applesauce, juice, and toast for breakfast. No long after eating I was in the bathroom puking my guts out. I've only puked once before this. I've been sick for an entire month and I'd only puked once. This now made it two and it physically kicked my ass. But I now felt that since I'd completely evacuated the contents of my stomach, my flights would be rather uneventful. Getting through security and everything was a breeze. No hassle this time. I got on the plane and the turbulence was something else. I was praying the whole time that my stomach would just relax and that I wouldn't puke. But by the end of the flight my stomach couldn't take it anymore. I quietly became well acquainted with the airsickness bag. The two latinas sitting next to me were really nice about the whole thing. They asked if I was okay, if I needed anything, and if I was going to be okay. They even asked if I needed water or anything. When I disposed of the bag after the flight, one of the attendants asked if I'd gotten sick. I told her I had and she apologized apologized for the turbulence. I told her that I've been sick for some time and that's why I'm flying home. I was feeling so sick and weak at this point, I was too exhausted to be embarrassed at all. Turbulence is the one thing that I'm afraid of when it comes to flying. But I was so sick that I almost didn't care about it. If anything, my fear might be eliminated after that flight.

I had a stop in Albuquerque to change planes. I was supposed to leave at 3:30 and arrive in Utah after 5pm. My plane was coming in from Houston and it sat on the runway for about 3 hours waiting for permission to take off. Apparently there were horrid thunderstorms in the area. So I had a few breadsticks and then a quick cat nap in the terminal. Then I had some strange chicken noodle soup, that was anything but chicken noodle, and half a sandwich. I figured that I needed food in my stomach. I was getting shaky and weak. If I was going to puke, there was nothing I could do about it. My flight finally left Albuquerque at 6:30pm. The flight to SLC was thankfully quiet and uneventful. I got in just after 8pm. Sadly, my bag didn't arrive in SLC with me. So I filed a missing luggage report with the airline and headed home with my Dad. The airline said that when they found it, they would call me and deliver it. The drive home was long. Not that 60 miles is that far. But I was so sick and physically exhausted, that all I wanted to do was rest.

I got home and had a little dinner. Then at 10pm, the airline called and told me they found my bag. I don't know where it went without me. It may have gone on to Seattle. It might have been stuck in Albuquerque longer than I was. I told them to deliver the bag first thing in the morning, rather than at around 2am. My bag didn't get delivered until 4:30pm. All of the meds I've been taking were in that bag. All my clothes were in that bag. The cords for my PS3, my phone charger, my cross stitch... I'm just glad to have my bag back.

I still feel pretty sick today. I seem to have developed a new aliment. My ribcage aches all the time. Everything inside it aches. However, when I belch it's hurts. A lot. Normally burping feels good for my stomach. But now it's rather painful. Add that to the constant stomach aches, headaches, dizziness, constant weakness, strange and unpredictable hunger, and general body aches and I'm just a total wreck. I'm trying to get a Dr. appointment as soon as I can. I've been sick for a month and this shows no sign of going away on it's own. I need someone to figure out what this is. I need to get better. Yes, it's nice to be home and see my family and my dog. But I want to get back to El Paso and make the summer mine. Especially since I no longer own a car. While I've been gone, my car went to hell rather quickly. It became unsafe to drive. Literally, this morning, the kidney foundation came and took my car away. I have to make enough money to get a car this summer. I have to get better and get back to make some money. I need to get back to work and back to El Paso. I'm also just completely and totally drained. I have no option except to get better. I just hope I can despite my lack of insurance.

By the way, apparently I don't have Norwalk Virus. Now we're being told it's a less terminal form of E Coli. But I need that confirmed for myself and some serious medication. Until I get a bunch of tests that verify what I have, I'm not really going to believe a supposed diagnosis.

Although I am rather excited to be back for a few reasons. The largest one being the ability to see my family and dog. But I'm excited to be back so I can do stupid things like, get my hair cut and colored. Pick up my Special Edition of MGS 4. I fully plan on playing that tonight after the requisite blog update.

I've gotten much sicker over the past few days. I thought I was starting to get better since I went back to work last week Saturday and Monday. But then I got worse on Tuesday and I've been really horrible since. I've been sick for three weeks, but it seems to have gotten worse over the past few days. My energy level has drastically decreased. I hardly have the energy to do anything. All I want to do is curl up on the couch all day. I have no appetite, but if I don't eat I feel much worse.

I'm starting to go crazy from being sick. I'm frustrated because I've heard twice that it's a virus and twice that it's a bacterial infection from all the various doctors we've seen. Then I've heard about a million other things that it could be from people that aren't medical professionals.

I just want to get better. I just want to stop feeling so crappy all the time. I just want some answers, but I don't know how to get them. It's becoming insurmountably discouraging and I don't know what to do anymore.

"Spit spot!"

Still feel like hot garbage. But I started on the meds this morning and they make me light-headed and dizzy anyway, so I figure I'll need a couple of days to adjust. So I'm home today. I've spent most of the day curled up on the couch feeling sick and gross. But I decided to play internets for awhile and found one of my most favorite cartoons ever.





Now I feel like curling back up on the couch to watch Kill Bill.

Also, I watched this while I ate lunch. Hopefully I'll feel good enough to make a real post soon. A real post with pictures and everything. I'm just sorry it's so late in coming. I didn't anticipate feeling like this for 3 weeks. :(

Hewitt finally managed to get a hold of a friend of his that is a physician's assistant. He told her all of the symptoms that we've been having for almost 2 weeks now. Her diagnosis, (without seeing or resting us), is that what we have is a virus. The problem we've been having is two-fold: First, because this is a new climate and altitude for us, our bodies are still adjusting. They aren't adjusting well because we're sick. That's why we can't get over the virus. Second, we're most likely very dehydrated. She wants us to constantly be drinking water/gatorade/whatever. Like 10 bottles a day. Being dehydrated is making us weak and lethargic and we can't do anything when we feel that way. She says to stick to foods that don't upset our stomachs because that's what causes the cramping. No more Jack in the Crack for me. Damn... So Hewitt and I have been pounding down the water and gatorade all day in an attempt to rehydrate. We're also being very careful about what we eat. Nothing to irritate our stomaches. That will probably be the new set of rules for the whole office. Hewitt and I are the sickest ones, but there are several others who are sick as well. The office is really only running about about half staff right now because so many of us are sick and can't kick this.

While I've heard tons of advice from numerous sources and heard a lot from several doctors, this advice actually feels right. The heat is difficult on us. I do feel better when I'm constantly drinking lots of fluids. I just need to keep it up. I need to drink more liquids that will help me feel better. I was one of the only people taking water with me to work every day and now I'm apparently dehydrated. Well hopefully this will work. I'm very drained from being so sick, both on a mental and physical level. I just want it to be over. I want to feel better. I want to work so much...

Other than being sick, my life is intensely boring right now. My upstairs neighbors are loud and keep me up later than I want to be. They've kept me up till 4am twice this week. I've left them a note to please keep it down. If they don't, I'll complain to the main apartment office. My day is spent resting, trying to appease my stomach cramps, and doing anything I can to keep myself from dying of boredom. Sometimes I play video games. I've been playing on Scott's Nintendo Wii for the past few days. All I do is make Miis. I've made around 45 because I'm a loser like that. I've gotten all of them from this website. Almost makes me want to buy my own Wii....

Hopefully I can post again soon. But when I have to borrow computers, it's difficult.

Next week, I will have internets. I cannot wait!

"I am Jack's raging bile duct."

I'm still sick with whatever this is. I watched "Fight Club" the other day. I might have to name whatever I have, Marla.

If I did have a tumor, I'd name it Marla.

Sometimes I start to feel better. Other times, I don't. But I know that I'm getting better. Both Matt Hewitt and I are going to try knocking later in the day so we can get back to working. The heat around the middle of the day absolutely kills me and makes all of my symptoms about 100 times worse. Then, when we feel better in the mornings, we might try going out to get some work in before the heat gets too bad. We would have tried going out tonight, but we had a fairly greasy lunch that rendered us both useless for the day. If anything, we learned that fast food is a HUGE "no-no bad dog" for us right now. But that's a good thing really. That crap isn't good for you no matter what. Besides, we're able to eat so many other things, that greasy crap isn't much of a loss.

I'm also working on getting actual internet for my place. I've felt way too crappy to do it today. I will tomorrow. Then I won't have to pirate interwebs from my neighbors or the apartment complex office. Then I can post on a regular basis, check e-mail, post pictures, whatever. I can't wait. That will be a bill I will love to pay.

Speaking of bills, I need to get back to work. I need some positive cash flow. I WILL hit my goals this summer and this sickness... Marla.... is only a little bump in the road. If anything, Marla has given me a chance to mentally get to a good place so I can really succeed this summer. I've also really gotten to know Matt Hewitt well. He's incredibly awesome and his friendship is a real blessing.

Update

So Greg has done everything he can to get me internets. I've been trying to steal signal from the aparment office building and that works about 15% of the time. The rest of the time, I have no signal. Not having internet is one of the most frustrating things about being sick. So I'm just going to go through the apartment complex and get my own internet connection. Right now, $35 a month is worth it. It's frustrating as hell to not be able to update my journal when I'm upset. It's frustrating to not be able to blow off steam by goofing off on Facebook. It's really hard to still be as sick as I am and not be able to do anything online.

Yes, I'm still sick. I've been sick for 9 days. This is abnormal as hell. I'm NEVER sick this long. I've been to the doctor twice. Each time I was told different things. First I was told I have a virus and was given two different medications to alleivate the symptoms. The second time we were told it's a baceria and given antibiotics. Then yesterday Camee called her family physician and he said that based on the symptoms, the antibiotics may not do anything. He said that his reccomendation, without having seen us or doing tests, is to eat lots of yogurt and drink TONS of Gatorade/water/sugar with water in it.

I keep hearing different things and we're all to a point where we don't know what to believe. We don't know what's wrong with us and we're slowly going crazy not working. I even started taking acidophilus this morning to see if it will help. All I know is that when I eat, I feel nauseated. When I don't eat, I get shaky. Most of the time I'm kinda backed up, but sometimes, I have "the runs". I used to have horrible stomach cramps. Now I have subtle cramping. Now I feel light headed and dizzy all the time. Apparently the antibiotics can make you dizzy. Lucky me!

I just want to get better. Camee's family physician said that a "last resort" could be an IV Treatment where they hook you up to an IV for two hours and literally pump you full of vitamins and things. Matt had one a couple years ago when he couldn't kick a bout of mono and he did a complete 180 in 36 hours. At this point, dropping $200 on that sounds like a great idea. But I'm willing to wait it out and take the full cycle of antibiotics first. There are a handfull of us that are still sick and we're doing what we can to figure this out.

However, as frustrating as this is, I still feel a great deal of hope. I'm home sick with a really great group of guys. When I'm feeling depressed and negative and frustrated about still being sick, I tell them and we all pick each other up so we can keep going. I'm really starting to feel like being sick is a good thing for me in that I'm learning to keep going with my positive outlook and attitude despite feeling so sick every day. I'm maintaining, (even though it's a struggle), my positive outlook for the summer despite not selling for a week. I'm not going to say it's easy. It's so, so, so hard to feel so crappy day in and day out. Being positive when I feel this way is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I fail at it quite frequently. But I have others around me to pick me up, dust me off, and help me keep going. I really, sincerely believe that once I can kick whatever the hell this is, I'm going to get out there and be light years ahead of where I was. I will be successful. I refuse to not be. It's just harder when your head is spinning all the time and your stomach complains when you eat.

Speaking of eating, I'm starving. The doctor on Monday told us to eat a bland diet. I've done my best to do that. I make the occasional mistake, but so far, I've done a good job. The tough part about it is that it doesn't matter what you eat. You still feel like garbage. But you get to feel like garbage after eating boring, tasteless food. So then I'll get mad and eat something I'm not supposed to because I'm starving. Then I feel even worse because I feel like hot garbage in the sun afterwards. In a way, it feels kinda like starving. I'm hungry. I can eat. I don't vomit at all. But it doesn't matter what I eat because I feel like crap afterwards. It's almost like starving. I don't want to eat the bland foods because I'm sick of them. But I have to eat because I need energy to feel better. I need energy to live. I don't eat, I get the shakes. But then I eat because I have to and then I feel like garbage. I'm tired of bland foods. It doesn't matter what I eat, I still feel like crap.

I just hope that we can get this figured out soon. I'm tired of feeling like hot garbage. I miss working. I want so hard to make my goals. I want so much to be able to throw up big numbers and get a really good check at the end of the week. I just hope that it's soon. This might be the trial of my faith. I just hope the light at the end of the tunnel is soon.

D-U-N done!

I've been sick since last Thursday. I haven't been to work since then. I got a blessing on Saturday morning and I was told that I would feel better soon. Like a couple of days. I'm still just as sick today. I've been taking the medication faithfully but all it's done is take the edge off of the pain. I still feel like ass. Just not curled up on the floor ready to die ass. Just ass. Just not double ass on a shingle. Matt, Matt, and I are going back to another doctor to get a second opinion. The meds they gave us aren't helping at all. Matt Hewitt and I are totally resolute that we aren't paying for the visit. I just hope this goes away soon. I'm getting more and more discouraged by the day. It's getting harder and harder to believe that I'm going to get better. It's getting harder and harder to believe that I'm going to succeed. I'm trying like hell to be positive and believe in myself. But believing in myself has always been hard. It's one of my biggest obstacles in life.

Being sick is killing my confidence and belief that I can do well. I want so much to do well and hit my goal of 125 sales. Especially since I got sick the day that I started to feel myself really understand what I'm doing and how I can really do well at this. I keep thinking there is a reason for it, But the longer that I sit around all day in pain, the harder it gets to keep believing it.

I need to find a way to believe in myself again. I just wish I knew where to get it.

So I said that I would be returning to work today no matter what. That was a lie. I still feel pretty crappy today. There was a point late in the afternoon where I was starting to feel better and the thought crossed my mind that chances were good that I could work tomorrow or Thursday. But now I feel really nasty again. I'm faithfully taking the medication the doctor prescribed for this stomach virus and it helps a little bit, but not much. Really, all it seems to do is take the edge off the pain. It's still there. You still know you feel like warmed over death. You just aren't doubled over in pain.

However, I've stopped being angry that I'm sick. I've surrendered to the bacteria in my stomach and I'm patiently waiting for the meds and my antibodies to kill it. I just need the rest of the summer to be medically uneventful so I can sell my guts out. The one thing that keeps me going is that I believe there is a reason I'm sick. I'm never sick like this. Ever. There has to be some reason why I've been so sick like this. I'm just going to be patient and trust that things will work out in the end. Really, that's all I can do at this point. Well, that and stick to the "Bland Foods Diet" the doctor gave me.

I finally got internets in my actual, factual apartment this evening. It's been a long and lonely couple of weeks without internets. I think it made my horrible bout with homesickness this past week much worse. It also made the days I was home sick this past week super boring and super long. However I am returning to work tomorrow, stomach cramps from hell or no! It's a holiday and I intend to make up for the 3 days I missed last week, including Saturday. It was our biggest day of the year so far. We kicked the Wichita office square in the balls. TAKE THAT, WICHITA!!

When I have actual time, I will provide an actual update. But I must sleep first. I have a long day ahead of me.

My temporary apartment

So my sister is having a huge-ass girly sleepover with all of her bridesmaids. Well, most of her bridesmaids. They are currently in a giant cuddle puddle in our living room. I get to sleep in my own bed thankyouverymuch. As much as I'm about the snuggles and cuddles, I'm selective in who I snuggle with. Sorry.

So... my apartment.... Matt called me this morning to ask about my apartment keys. I have them with my in Utah and Dalynn arrived today. So he's going to put her somewhere for a couple days until I get back and we can both get situated. In the mean time I'll post some pics of my current apartment. Then we I get all situated in my new one, I can post pics of that too. Or something.

It's not that I'm a slob or anything, but most of this disorganization is due to taking these pics while doing laundry and packing Friday night before I left. Also, Matt told me when we arrived that I shouldn't get too moved in since I'd be moving out soon anyway. So I'm still living out of boxes and bags and things. If I could actually move in, then things wouldn't be so messy.

Here are the blueprints so you can see how I'm laid out:



I currently have my computer and PS3 on my dining room table. I also moved some of the furniture around so I could play games and be comfortable.



My kitchen. I don't even have half of the magnets I own on the fridge yet. Most of the mess on the counter is paperwork from... well, work.



My freezer so y'all can see that I'm not starving. By the way, Blue Bell Ice Cream is the shit. Seriously. Also, notice the Cliff Bars and the frozen bottles of water. That's so I have a Scooby Snack while I'm out knocking. I don't want to be dying on the streets of El Paso. We can't have that. Also, Cliff Bars are the shit too.

Additionally, notice the Lean Cuisine. Bitch is eating healthy right now, kthxbai.



My fridge. It looks like I don't eat, but I purposely didn't go shopping before I left so things wouldn't go bad while I was gone. I also drink a lot of Gatorade now. Also, please notice the red and white tube on the second shelf. That would be my $60 cream. Also, you can't see the fresh Broccolli and Cauliflower in my crisper, the label on the Wheat bread, or the light Italian dressing in my door. The blue bottle in my door is the Evil Aloe that I'm allergic to. The green one is the good one.



My living room. I'd been sleeping on the couch for 4 days for numerous reasons. 1- I can make it darker in there by hanging up a blanket. 2- My bed is rock hard. It's the reason why I need a new mattress pad that is ubar soft and awesome. 3- I was washing my sheets because I hadn't figured out where my hives were from yet. Also, this picture would be better, but my living room light is burned out. I have A LOT of light bulbs that have burned out. So if the pictures are shit, that's why. Sorry.



I love being able to do laundry in my own place.



My bathroom:



Shower and the walk-in closet:



I've never had a working lightbulb in here, so the picture is ass. Also, I don't own enough clothes to fill this closet. It makes me want to go shopping.



Then, my bedroom. I'm totally doing laundry. Sorry.



Also, the evil, East-facing window from hell. I've added a normal size box of Kleenex to provide an idea of the scale.



Eff you window. EFF YOU!!! The blinds only serve to keep the Horny-Damn-Rapist from looking in my window. They do nothing to block out any light.

Now, I don't know for sure, but I'm assuming that these blueprints will be the layout of my new apartment:



I'll try to post tomorrow, but since it's the day before the wedding, I can't promise anything. I'd like to update. Being able to vent and get all the thoughts out of my head and into this journal has been very cathartic these past few days.

"I didn't know you'd moved to Texas!"

Right now, Rowdy and I are snuggled up to the kitchen table and we're using my future brother-in-law's laptop to look around online and update the blog. While I'm glad that I've left Rowdy in Utah for the summer, I can tell that the separation has been hard on him. He's been more emotionally unstable than normal, which I'm not sure how to handle. I assume that all I can do is spend as much time with him as possible, really. I know he'll be fine while I'm back in Texas. He just needs to believe it as well. However, it will be really good to come home at the end of the summer with a huge chunk of change and snuggle with him as much as possible.

It's a tad strange being back in Utah. I'm happy to see my family and dog again. It's nice to have a break from the emotional and physical toll that toll that come with selling in Texas. But I do find myself missing everyone there. But I've made up my mind to enjoy myself while I'm here so I can go back to Texas with no regrets. Besides, then I can focus on working and not having regrets about not enjoying my time in Utah.

But I will say that it is nice to feel liberated from Utah. While I do love the state, there are many things I hate about Utah that are nice to be away from for awhile. I also like the awesome farmer's tan that I get to work on everyday knocking doors.

I'm also excited to see Starla get married and make Tyson and official part of the family. He already has been for a few months, but now it'll be legal. He's awesome. I can only hope that the rest of my future in-laws are as cool as he is.

I need to run to the bank tomorrow. I also need to buy a new pair of shoes. I've had the same pair of sneakers for a couple years now and while they aren't destroyed, I will need a new pair soon. So I might as well get it now and start breaking them in so I can wear them knocking every day.

I hope to take lots and lots of pictures this week and post some pictures in this blog for all to see. Starla's wedding dress is amazing and she has given me hope that not all wedding dresses are ugly and stupid. When you've seen as many cookie-cutter wedding dresses as I have, (and none of them are anywhere close to your taste), it's easy to make a blanket assumption that all wedding dresses are horrible. In addition, all wedding dresses in Utah County are ugly and the same. I'm hoping that the trend of ugly dresses goes away at some point. However, if I ever do get married I know that I won't have an ugly, cookie-cutter dress. Starla already has my wedding planned out for me.

I think that tomorrow I will post about my adventures at the airport and why I'm a huge idiot.

"They were sad about rolling out without you."

If you want to see the sunburn, here it is. Keep in mind that this is picture was taken last night and the burn was looking much better than it had been. It'd had 4 or 5 days to hurt like hell and scab over. Also, the lighting makes it a little less red. Welcome to my right shoulder and neck, by the way. The hives are just north of the burn. Also, I'd still been applying sunscreen every day before going to work and aloe as well. Both hurt so much that every time I applied them to the burn, I was almost in tears from the pain.

Word got out about my sunburn yesterday. Scott saw it and then word spread around the office that I had a really nasty sunburn; and that, not only was it pretty much a second degree burn, but I'd been out working 7 hours a day with it all week. Crocky and Greg saw it this morning. So while we were on the phone with my Mom getting measurements for my bridesmaid skirt, Crocky took the time to talk to my Mom about my sunburn. How it was pretty much a second degree burn and hadn't said anything to anyone and that Crocky was demanding that I go to a local insta-care to get it looked at. I mean, a sunburn is one thing, but for it to be that bad and painful; not to mention the hives that came with the wrong aloe and the fact that they really weren't going away is apparently a big deal. Crocky and my Mom are now in cahoots.

It's determined that I'm going to insta-care and at this point I'm feeling like an idiot because I didn't think my burn was such a big deal. Greg drives me there and we sit for 2 hours waiting to see the doctor. $120 dollars and 2 hours later, I have a Rx for Desoximetasone and orders to avoid the sun, heat, dark clothing, and to use the cream for the burn and the hives.

$60 dollars later, I had my Rx. $180 for a hugging sunburn. I only got paid on one of my installs this week, and after a couple deductions my check was far smaller than I had thought it would be. So my sunburn cost me more than I got in my check. But now I have serious bragging rights around the office. Here I am, the only woman thus far, and I worked my ass off all week with a second degree sunburn and no one heard me complain at all. All of the guys in the office had been complaining about being tired, (the job is physically and mentally exhausting), their feet hurting, or being hungry while they were out knocking. I basically kick ass. When I showed them all the burn before they rolled out to knock this afternoon, they were all pretty shocked at the condition of the burn. Cue jaw dropping and eye enlarging, plz.

I also had the day off of work which was odd. I'm used to being out knocking doors and trying to get a sale. I did help a little around the office and hung out with Camee and Crocky. Then I played some video games since my beta test ends Sunday and I fly back to Utah tomorrow morning bright and early. If I wasn't going back home, I'd be more bothered by the doctor's orders to stay out of the sun. But since I won't be knocking in Utah, I can stay out of the sun all I want. Although I can't say that the temptation to try and sell a couple accounts while I was in Utah hasn't crossed my mind numerous times.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I need a bit of a mental break so I can get my head back in the game again. My learning curve has been steep and I have a little way to go, but I know that soon things will really take off for me. I'll be putting up big numbers when it comes to sales and I'm rather excited for it. But the sunburn and subsequent sleep-related problems has added to the difficulties of the week. Having a break at home with Rowdy and my family will be nice.

I know that by now I should have pictures of my apartment to post. However sleep is precious and tends to be difficult to get in large doses. This is due in large part to the windows in my apartment. The one in my bedroom is massive. I haven't had a tape measure to size it up, but I've guesstimated at about 6 feet by around 5 1/2 feet. Thankfully, it has blinds. But the problem is that it faces East. So about 6:35am the sun wakes me up. I need the ability to sleep in during the mornings when I have free time. However, that is still an issue. I need curtains or something.

But apparently my potential roommate Daylnn (I dunno how to spell her name yet), is going to be here and then it will be determined if I will be rooming with her or not. I think the biggest issue is her cat. I'm allergic and I would hate to make her feel bad for bringing her baby with her to Texas. So Matt might keep us in separate apartments so I don't die. I'm struggling to sleep as it is, (same with everyone else in the office that has windows that face East), so adding a cat to the mix might be disastrous for me. However, I haven't even met Daylnn yet, and she might be super extra mega cool. I hope so. I'd like a female perspective on selling and how I can use it to my advantage.

In addition to my struggles with sleep, I obtained a very nasty sunburn last week when I forgot to apply sunscreen one day before knocking. It got worse this past Saturday when we knocked all day. It literally blistered in one area. That night I went to the local Wal-Mart and got a bottle of Aloe with Lydicane in it to help the burn heal. Then Sunday morning I seemed to develop a little case of hives on my neck. They itch and aren't very nice to look at. But the itching has subsided as time has gone by. However the supposed hives have not. I don't know what they are from. Even with all of the moving in, I have maintained much of what I had at home in Utah. Haven't changed any sort of soaps or anything. In fact, I'm washing all of my bedsheets in the hope that will help solve the problem. I'm also not applying the Aloe to my neck in any way to see if that's part of the problem.

Can a person be sensitive or allergic to a specific type of sunscreen? I have no idea where to go from here with the hives. Any sort of ideas are welcome and encouraged.
Also, I need to spoil myself a little with a nice mattress pad for my bed. At this point it's much to hard for my taste and with sleep being so important, I need to do everything I can to facilitate it. Any suggestions for a mattress pad would be welcomed and encouraged as well. Although I think that the curtains aren't an issue. Once I know if I'll be moving apartments this week, I'll be better prepared to purchase curtains.

I'm just growing weary of not sleeping as much as I want and being so damn sunburned with no relief in sight. I'm going to switch up my sleep tonight in the hopes that it will help. I also hope that washing my sheets will help as well.

"What you want?"

I haven't posted to this blog in almost 3 years, but since I've moved to El Paso, Texas for 4 months and not everyone has access to my official journal, I'll be posting here as well.

Basically I've moved to El Paso for 4 months to work with a company named APX. They are dealers for Honeywell, (the people that make your thermostat), and we're here promoting their new home security system. Basically what I'm doing is going around a neighborhood and knocking doors looking for homeowners that want to help us with a little advertising. If they will put up a sign for us in their front yard that says they have a home security system with APX, we will give them a home security system at no cost, ever. We'll also wave the installation fee for helping us out with the advertising. Then we just ask that they pay the monthly monitoring rate and that's it. No strings, no hidden fees, no big deal. The system is even wireless so we don't have to run cables or anything in their home. We customize the system for their home and usually install it the same day. It's not really sales, it's more like marketing.

Depending on the type of contract we have the homeowner agree to and the monitoring rate they agree to, depends on how much I get paid as a salesperson. I made my first sale yesterday and I'm getting quite a chunk of change for it. I'm really helping the guy out too. This way he can protect his son better than he could before. I almost got a system for an elderly woman yesterday who really needed one. I was going to help her out by cutting her a break on the monitoring rate so it would fit into her budget, but the credit problems she's had since her husband passed away were the only thing holding us back. I felt really bad too since I knew she needed the system and it would have really benefited her.

But I live in a sweet apartment and as hard as the job is, it's worth it. I'm here with an amazing group of people and they keep me pumped up and ready to get out on the doors every day. I have nowhere to go but up and I'm looking forward to doing really well this summer. However, first, I must sleep.